Even if arguing wasn’t a part of your dating relationship, I guarantee it will be a part of your marriage. No, that’s not the cynic speaking. It’s the new wife. The key is reflecting on each conflict and learning about yourself and what you can do better next time.
Zach and I argued when we were dating, not a ton, but enough to ensure me that I found the right guy. Others in the past had a way of allowing my strong personality to trample them. Sure, some of that may be my fault, but that’s not my point. My point is that Z stood strong and fought back, something I certainly needed in a man. I have a couple of newlywed-argument problems I want to discuss. These things have been a theme in our last several arguments.
The first is that when I’m in an argument, I disregard truths in the name of being angry.
It’s like I’m completely unaware of the fact that it’s just an argument with my husband because it feels more like war. He’ll tell me something that I did made him feel a certain (negative) way, and all of a sudden I’m not sure if I’m a good wife or if he loves me… the hell? Where does that come from? And why is it so hard to have perspective in the face of conflict?
I’ve had to learn to remind myself that it’s never as big as it feels and to act accordingly.
My second problem is something that Z has had to remind me of during our last several arguments: I’m not alone anymore.
I’m no longer just an individual trying to make this life thing work out; I’m on a team. Even when we’re arguing, I’m not alone. And that sounds like a very sweet thing for him to say now, and it is, but it pissed me right off both times he said it during the argument because he was right. I realized that the Miss Independent persona isn’t the best for my marriage, you know, the face I have worked on mastering for years. You do you, and I’ll do me, boo… isn’t going to work.
Being right and being heard isn’t the point anymore, it’s working through things together as a team.
So I’ve had to learn to check myself while we’re arguing. I’ve started talking myself down because I know that my husband isn’t trying to tell me that I’m unlovable every time I do something wrong. I’ve also started questioning my motives because if they’re selfish, I’m not being a very good teammate. I don’t do these things every time, but I’m trying to, and hopefully I’ll get better at it one day.
As a newlywed, I know that arguing in your marriage feels like a step back from the blissful dating relationship you once had. But like I’ve said before, making a marriage work is about progress, and learning how to argue will play a big role in getting you there.