Is marriage easy? That’s not my first word for it.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it one thousand times. Fighting is a part of marriage, and it is our job to figure out how to do this in a healthy way. I’m blowing our cover, but Zach and I fight. Sometimes we will go for weeks without conflict, and sometimes it can last for days.
A day in real life looks drastically different from a page in a fairy tale.
One Sunday we had a couple of disagreements, and I was so emotional that I wanted to lock myself in a dark room. In college, my friends and I called this method the bat cave. Whenever I was overwhelmed, I liked to block the sunlight out and lay in bed for hours (or days) at a time. We’d use it as a verb, like “I could bat cave for days…”
Yes, it was my getaway. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that’s not the most mature way to deal with marital problems.
Monday morning welcomed me with a speeding ticket on my way to work. You need to understand something before you can sympathize with me going 80 in a 65… This is Texas. People drive fast. It doesn’t matter if their Ford is large enough to smash your Honda. These cowboys commute like Nascar.
This poor cop approached my passenger’s side window to tell me that I was speeding, my insurance had expired, and my brake lights were out…
I sobbed. I didn’t just cry- I couldn’t breathe.
He went back to his car, and I continued. What could he possibly think of me in this moment? I didn’t care. When he came back, he only brought a ticket for speeding. Maybe he felt guilty that my mascara was all over my face right before work. I’m still not sure.
Needless to say, by Monday evening I had had it. We were upset at each other for separate reasons. There were about three arguments in one. I was being stubborn. He was driving me crazy. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bat cave so badly.
So I excused myself to the porch.
I don’t care what anyone says, but sometimes you need to take yourself out of the heat to cool down. For 45 minutes I sat on that plastic patio chair, and what I realized was more than worth the time it took.
There are things from the past that have emotionally messed me up. I make the same mistake over and over again in different ways. The bottom line always looks the same when I hurt my husband. Why is it impossible to see these patterns alone? Because they are a part of you.
Marriage digs up your ugliest parts, but it doesn’t look away when they’re unearthed. Your partner is a person with a lifelong journey, and you committed to their issues. Some people have more than others… but we’re honest here, and we all have plenty. Marriage is work because we’re all scarred.
I went back inside and apologized. It was easy to stop being stubborn when I realized it wasn’t Zach I was fighting. We went from arguing about nonsense to talking about real issues. Three hours and one hundred apologies later, and I can promise you it won’t be the last time. So back to our question, is marriage easy? No.
Oh, to be a newlywed.