Is marriage easy? That’s not my first word for it.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it one thousand times. Fighting is a part of marriage, and it is our job to figure out how to do this in a healthy way. I’m blowing our cover, but Zach and I fight. Sometimes we will go for weeks without conflict, and sometimes it can last for days.
A day in real life looks drastically different from a page in a fairy tale.
One Sunday we had a couple of disagreements, and I was so emotional that I wanted to lock myself in a dark room. In college, my friends and I called this method the bat cave. Whenever I was overwhelmed, I liked to block the sunlight out and lay in bed for hours (or days) at a time. We’d use it as a verb, like “I could bat cave for days…”
Yes, it was my getaway. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that’s not the most mature way to deal with marital problems.
Monday morning welcomed me with a speeding ticket on my way to work. You need to understand something before you can sympathize with me going 80 in a 65… This is Texas. People drive fast. It doesn’t matter if their Ford is large enough to smash your Honda. These cowboys commute like Nascar.
This poor cop approached my passenger’s side window to tell me that I was speeding, my insurance had expired, and my brake lights were out…
I sobbed. I didn’t just cry- I couldn’t breathe.
He went back to his car, and I continued. What could he possibly think of me in this moment? I didn’t care. When he came back, he only brought a ticket for speeding. Maybe he felt guilty that my mascara was all over my face right before work. I’m still not sure.
Needless to say, by Monday evening I had had it. We were upset at each other for separate reasons. There were about three arguments in one. I was being stubborn. He was driving me crazy. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bat cave so badly.
So I excused myself to the porch.
I don’t care what anyone says, but sometimes you need to take yourself out of the heat to cool down. For 45 minutes I sat on that plastic patio chair, and what I realized was more than worth the time it took.
There are things from the past that have emotionally messed me up. I make the same mistake over and over again in different ways. The bottom line always looks the same when I hurt my husband. Why is it impossible to see these patterns alone? Because they are a part of you.
Marriage digs up your ugliest parts, but it doesn’t look away when they’re unearthed. Your partner is a person with a lifelong journey, and you committed to their issues. Some people have more than others… but we’re honest here, and we all have plenty. Marriage is work because we’re all scarred.
I went back inside and apologized. It was easy to stop being stubborn when I realized it wasn’t Zach I was fighting. We went from arguing about nonsense to talking about real issues. Three hours and one hundred apologies later, and I can promise you it won’t be the last time. So back to our question, is marriage easy? No.
Oh, to be a newlywed.
I think everyone shares different viewpoints about marriage, especially their own, and I think you have to trace it back to the engagement. Scratch that, you will probably have to trace it back to their dating years, past relationships, and maybe even childhood. Growing up I had two wonderful parents who raised me to never settle for less than the best. My mom would always tell me, you graduate highschool, go to college, live on your own, become your own person, find your career and them you can worry about finding a man
She would always tell me things that she wanted me to look for in a man, sensitive, smart, good career, makes money, nice house in a nice neighborhood, no past baggage, no kids (this stemmed from going through hell with my half sister from my dads first marriage) the list went on. Through my dating years, if met a guy and he didn’t meet any of the criteria, I wouldn’t give him a second thought. The relationships I did have, I was cheated on in all but one of them. This started a seed of major insecurity that would rear its ugly little head in the first years of my marriage.
When I met Aaron, my husband, he was everything NOT on my list. He had gone to jail when he was 18 years old, and at the time was serving his 10 years of probation. He had a nice little apartment on the borderline of the ghetto in Austin Tx, and he worked construction. He had/has a daughterfrom a previous relationship, and he has been the child of two divorced parents who each have remarried and divorced several times. BUT…he loved God with his whole being and he was a youth leader, and that’s what I first tfellin love with. His passion for serving others through Jesus. My mother flipped out of course, but I didn’t care. I knew the moment I met him that he was my foreveranand ever. We had a short engagement, and got married. And I thought I was the luckiest girl. 2 months into our marriage, Aaron was late coming home from work, I mean like 1-2 hrs late. And he wasn’t answering his phone. That ugly seed of insecurity and trust issues sprung to life and when he came home I accused him of cheating and anything else I could think if that would make him 1-2 hrs late.
He told me he forgot he had probation that day, and it was a 45 minute drive from the job site. Hedidnt call cuz he didn’t think it was a big deal. Slowly but surely, over the next 3 year’s, I would accuse my husband of cheating multiple times because of my past hurts, and he would slowly pull away a little more every day. I remember sitting down after one big argument that left him grabbing his keys and telling me he wasn’t sure if he would be back that night. I wondered, what happened? What happened to what marriage was supposed to be about? It’s when I realized that my marriage had been based on expectations that Aaron was not capable of meeting. It had been based on years and years of words my mother fed me about how a husband should be, and although she just wanted the best for me, it caused a false reality of what marriage would look like. A Cinderella mentality Is what I call it.
We have now been married almost 6 years, we have a beautiful 1 year old little girl, and I will tell you, marriage has not been easy. In fact some years it downright sucked. We live in a small 2 bedroom house, I don’t have a fully functioning kitchen because we are remodeling, our daughter is sleeping in our room because her room is being used as storage currently, we are both youth ministers in this tiny town where the majority of our teens are boy/girl obsessed, into drugs, or pregnant because they do not have a strong parental unit teaching them how to live their lives right. I just had a 16 year old give birth other son yesterday morning, and I had a 12 year old give birth a few months ago. We make enough to provide for our family, but there has been months that I have gone to one of the churches here for their food pantry. But were happy. For the first time in almost 6 years, i can say, we are happy and at a place that is finally feeling right.
So, marriage is not easy, but I think if people would enter the dating relationship, engagement, or even marriage with a changed mindset, not expecting some romantic prince charming fairy tale Frap, marriage could be EASIER 🙂
Wow, what a STORY Allison! I think that’s such a real problem in new marriage- people don’t realize that their past WILL affect them. I believe calling it a Cinderella Mentality really nails that sort of thing on the head. Not only are parents capable of convincing us that marriage should be x, y, and z, but our culture does it too. It’s like we receive all of these false ideas of marriage before we’re even old enough to get married!
I am so glad to here at your marriage is starting to come full circle. I believe that sort of happiness takes time and a lot of effort from both parties. Let me know if you ever need anything, and I’m sure there will be plenty of newlyweds here that need your encouragement in the future- so stick around!! Thank you so much for sharing.
This is probably my favorite post to date. Maybe it’s because the candid/nakedness of it; or the feelings that it triggers in me. Allison, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and personal story. As someone that cannot wait to finally take that big step, I’m so grateful to my past failed relationships, and the failure or success of those around me. My parents were married for about 25 years but more than half of those years were terrible; anyone close to me knows that! My view of men stemmed from my dealings with my cold, aloof, and narcissistic father. In my search for love and attention, I made many mistakes and wrapped my image of who I was in how many men were sexually attracted to me. Needless to say, I got pregnant young and became the stereotypical black teen mom from a broken home with daddy issues. While in my mess, I began searching for a relationship with the creator of all things. My mother was a pillar and the perfect example of who I wanted to be and she was there for me through so many trying times, always there to help me put the pieces back together. Years later, I am fortunately in a place where I understand what real love looks and feels like. I’ve never been closer to God and I’m so happy with where I’m at. I continually try to find the underlying reason as to why I respond to certain things the way that I do. That’s not to say that I have no more growing or learning left in me because Lord knows I do. I say all that to say that my view of marriage is definitely realistic. My parent’s failed marriage taught me how much work, time, tears, and effort it takes to simply attempt to make it work. I do believe that both parties should go in to dating or marriage on the same page and with the same mindset, “Ready to put in work”. My failed relationships have taught me that I yearn for something more and meaningful and to choose a partner who is just as selfless, willing, forgiving, and understanding as I am, and more. My ever growing relationship with God has shown me the value of myself and how to love unconditionally. So like Allison, I too believe that when two individuals enter marriage with the same thoughts and understanding then yes, it will make marriage “easier” because you’ll both have real expectations of what it’s going to be like. After all, the rain storm isn’t as harsh for those with an umbrella! Aly, thank you for this revealing post. The humble mentality you both have is ever helpful in your marriage and will only help things get easier and easier as you two grow closer together! 🙂
Thank you so much Jenica. I like to think that we are ahead of the game when it comes to learning these lessons, but that’s probably not true 😛 I believe your faith will take you far in your future relationship. A solid foundation is so very important, and being prepared for marriage was one of the best things that Zach and I ever did- I am PRO pre-marital counseling!