We heard it a thousand times in a hundred ways, “the first year of marriage will be the most difficult.”
Zach and I listened to the oldlyweds in our lives and prepared our minds for a challenging first year. Oddly enough, I’ve also heard the first year referred to as the honeymoon phase, of which I’ve always been skeptical.
How could the first year of melding your lives together be as easy as the honeymoon?
We decided to move two thousand miles across the country three weeks before we got married. He got a new, exciting job in Texas, and I was homesick from living in New York for a couple of years. After our honeymoon, we walked into our new apartment together and felt overwhelmed with gratitude. Our lives were going exactly as planned, and the hard part (the wedding) was over.
Four weeks into married life I accepted an unpaid, 12-week internship. After all, Zach’s job was more than enough for the two of us. But a week after I signed this contract, my husband unexpectedly lost his job. And it wasn’t pretty. My family was involved. Things got personal. And unfortunately, the man Zach moved across the country to work with had a reputation for treating people poorly- useless information to hear after-the-fact.
It was messy. It was unexpected. It was the first trial we’d face as a married couple.
These things bring out the best in some and the worst in others.
We stuck together through it all, and despite the fact I wanted to do some physical damage to the self-righteous a-holes responsible, I didn’t (excuse my harsh letter). Fortunately, these things bring your darkest issues to light, but it’s unfortunate when they happen five weeks into your marriage.
Disappointment fueled disagreements, and our disagreements fueled the fire.
We were a team, yet we were turning on ourselves. Nobody could have prepared us for this. It was a lesson we had to learn early on:
the world isn’t going to do our marriage any favors.
Hard to swallow, but definitely necessary.
Be prepared for your first year of marriage. I’m not saying this to scare anyone; I’m not even finished with my own first year. I am saying it because when you’re prepared to struggle, you’ll fight harder for it. The most encouraging part? You can begin challenging yourself in your relationship long before the wedding bells.
Wise words from one so young! You’ll make it and I’m excited to see how you grow and develop as a couple. The Word says you will “become” one, not that a magic wand is waved when you say “I do” and all is perfect. That takes determination and work and I know you will make it!
Thank you so much for the encouragement Kathleen! We like to think we are learning fast– but we know that may be a naive thought process :-p
I hear ya. Our first year is what I refer to as ‘hell on earth’. 6 months in we were dealing with some major issues…the kind where a lot of people walk away and say forget it, its not worth it. But we stuck through it, with prayer and Gods help. We will be married 6 years in December.
If I could give any newlywed advice, its to not listen so much to what all the friends and family are telling you to do in your circumstances…wait, backtrack, first you should not share personal matters with your family. Find one person who you can trust with anything, preferably an older person who has been married a while. They have some experience. But back to not listening to your friends and family, no matter how much they love your spouse, they will always always ALWAYS be biased when it comes to your marriage. Your spouse will always be the ‘bad guy’ no matter what the situation is. Take anything and everything with a grain of salt…don’t let the words of a concerned, worried, over reactive mom take seed in your heart, that’s how bitterness and resentment towards your spouse can take hold.
That’s great advice. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been trying to keep all of our messiness to ourselves for the most part.. Unless I need wife advice which is way different from airing all of our dirty laundry. Love having you as a presence here on Wedshock!
That sounds like such a stressful situation. I can’t imagine how straining that is on a new marriage. Like you said towards the end, it’s good to try and prepare and challenge each other for when things to awry. We’re not even married yet and my fiancé and I are going through a stressful situation so it is nice to keep this in mind. You can’t enter into it (marriage) expecting daisies and roses all the time.
It was crazy, but we got so much closer. I am extremely thankful we got to learn some of those lessons early on- and it sounds like y’all are learning too. I am really excited for you and your upcoming wedding 🙂
Because of the type of people you both are, indifferences will only make your bond stronger. Like Kathleen, I am eager to see your marriage grow stronger! Tactful and open communication with each other will help to relieve stress during difficult times. When I’m in a relationship, I hope that I will have what you two possess! Continue to grow closer together and closer to God!
Thank you so much Jenica! We are working on our marriage every day… and really I mean every day. The reality of it all is still blowing my mind!