But “having sex like rabbits” isn’t relatable for a lot of us, and that really is ok…and healthy…and NORMAL.

The topic came up when my husband and I were setting goals for 2017. We knew we wanted it to be our best year yet as a married couple, and one of the areas that we thought could use more consistency and attention was our sex life. Because, yes, even newlyweds who are four years in have to be intentional.

So we agreed to make sex a priority every day during the month of January. The challenge was both exciting and doable (ha). For people who set goals regularly, it was fun to have a task like this one on the daily to-do (HA!) list. Sure, some days were more fun than others, but we learned way more than I thought we would. Here are our top three takeaways.

Three Surprising Takeaways from 30 Days of Sex

1. Frequent, planned sex takes the pressure off.

There are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that, when you’re having sex often, you’re not as concerned about “getting it right.” If you only have sex once every week or two, there’s an added pressure of this doesn’t happen very often, so it should look this way or that way. But when you’re having sex often, should’s go out the window, and it can even be more enjoyable.

There were even days when something funny would happen and we’d laugh our way through it. Laughter had never been a part of our sex life before because we didn’t know if it should be. For example, there’s nothing sexy about a dog barking at you during the act or spilling coffee everywhere, but there’s definitely humor…and we were pleasantly surprised when we realized humor could play a role in sex too.

The second reason it takes the pressure off is that there’s no wondering whether it’s going to happen or not. About a week in, my husband told me that his favorite part was that he didn’t have to worry about frequency. He didn’t stress about making time for it or about both of us being in the mood because, hell, we were going to do it anyway. This experiment opened the door for him to talk to me about how this can be a regular stressor for him, and since then, we’ve been able to work on solutions to prevent it.

Let me be clear: this does not mean that having spontaneous sex is a high pressure activity. Bring on all of the random, risky, unpredictable sex. It serves a purpose totally unrelated to this one.

2. Thirty consecutive days of sex will reveal patterns that you probably weren’t aware of.

Maybe you work late during the week and you’re too tired to have sex when you get home. So, unless you do it in the morning, weekdays never happen. This is critical information because you learn 1. why you only have sex on the weekend, and 2. how you can easily go weeks without sex when your weekends are particularly full of plans.

The biggest pattern we recognized was that, a lot of times, we waited until right before bed to have sex. This pattern was lame because a typical indictor for bedtime is fatigue, and if you’re only having sex when you’re really tired, it can affect some things. After we realized this, we started making time in our schedules that was not right before bed. This new knowledge has been a game changer for us.

And you don’t just see your “when we do it” patterns, you also see your “what we do” patterns. Your time, location and position of choice are revealed, and while it’s totally cool to play favorites, you learn to switch it up when you’re doing it 30 days in a row—then you’ll have some new favorites to add to the mix.

3. The final surprising takeaway is that we were both exhausted.

Like, barely keeping our eyes open exhausted. Sex is a physical activity, and even though you’re not running a marathon, it can take a lot out of you. To be fair, every day for thirty days is a bit excessive for the average working newlywed couple, even if they are wearing those marathon-fanny-packs full of energy chews and water bottles. You’re welcome for that imagery by the way.

This knowledge helped us plan around our natural energy levels, and it reminded us that, even if we wanted to “do it like rabbits,” we couldn’t—once again lessening the social pressure a lot of newlyweds feel about their sex lives.

We had no idea we could learn so much from a simple experiment. I highly recommend 30 days of sex for any newlywed couple that wants to learn more about their relationship in this area. The truth is that “normal” is different for everyone, so we need to keep this conversation open and ongoing. There’s more to sex than “oh, they’re still in the honeymoon phase,” so let’s talk about it.

We’d love to hear about what you’ve learned on your newlywed journey on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We’re in this together.

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Meet Me At Midnight

One of my favourite date night ideas starts when it’s already dark. Send your lover a text, handwritten note or even a message in lipstick over the bathroom sink to meet you at midnight. The location doesn’t matter, but you get bonus points for rooftops, romantic makeout vistas or anywhere you can see the stars. Pack a few candles, a little sweet dessert and lie back to see where the night takes you.

The Pickup Artist

This one requires some role playing, so get your inner big-screen-diva ready. Make plans with your sweetie to meet after work for cocktails. Pretend that you’ve never met one another, and see who can charm the panties off of whom. “Can I buy you a drink?” has a whole new meaning when you know it’ll end up hot and heavy at home (or in the washroom) later.

Teach Me Something New

Ever felt stuck? One of the best ways of getting unstuck according to science is to step out of your comfort zone and to try something new. Teaching your other half how to do it has added benefits too, like making you the teacher and them the student. It’s sexy to be smart! It could be anything: a scuba diving lesson, rock climbing, or poetry. If you can teach your other half something new, insist that they reward you later.

Mangia! Mangia!

Nothing seems to get us in the mood more than the act of eating. It’s sensual. It’s sexy. It’s downright seductive. When we eat, we indulge all of our senses. So skip the garlic and cook your other half a meal, or go out to eat. Bonus points for cooking classes that add an element of learning to eating. Breaking bread together might mean breaking bed for dessert.

The Indulgent Date

Everybody, and I do mean every single person, likes to be pampered. Whether you’re a big tough bloke or a wee petite lady, when someone gives you their undivided time and attention, we all swoon. Use that to your advantage and indulge your partner. Have a date night all about them. Give each other massages. Share a meal. Read a book to one another. Have an intimate conversation where you really listen to one another. Indulge in dessert you love. Take a long walk to enjoy the sunset while holding hands. Indulgent dates are all about attention, so drop the cellphone, put away the laptop and give your other half all of your attention. You will be rewarded.

When you first met your other half, there were fireworks. Marriage doesn’t have to turn them into sparklers. Dating your partner and giving them quality time can work wonders for your sex life. Keeping it intimate between the sheets is just as important as what happens outside the bedroom. So, what are you waiting for? Your date is waiting.

Crystal Adair-Benning
After sixteen years as a Wedding Planner with Distinct Occasions, Crystal has plenty of tales. She is the author of bestseller, Wedding Planner Problems. She has been married and divorced and now happily lives in sin. World traveler and digital nomad — never far from a pineapple, palm tree and surfboard. Unicorns are her spirit animal.

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I could sit and stare at this simplistic spectacle for an immoderate amount of time.

I think, however, that more than just alluring aesthetics, I’m more enthralled by the perspective of life through the fishes eyes. You see, their natural habitat is aquatic, so that is their reality. They don’t know that life exists outside of that because everything visible is viewed through such lens. Pondering on that truth has brought me to a place where I have had to ask, “Do we also see life through a confined angle?”

In our current time, it seems it’s nearly impossible to turn on the television, utilize your phone, go to the grocery store, etc. without being exposed to some sort of sexually enticing image. These images flood the magazine aisles, commercials, and online ads in a way that is nearly inescapable. In the last decade or more, censorship has depleted drastically and in result, general morality has exhausted itself. As a society, we have not only casualized sexuality but have made entertainment out of its exploitation.

Currently, it is stated by many reliable sources that the average age for first exposure to pornography is 11. It is evident that with the progressively changing cultural adoption of this banishing censorship, it is rapidly becoming the new normal. So again I ask, “Do we also see life through a confined angle?”

The problem of pornography in marriage:

“I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid, and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.” Dr. MaryAnne Layden

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:
1. An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society
2. Diminished trust between intimate couples
3. The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy
4. Belief that promiscuity is the natural state
5. Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy
6. Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners
7. Belief that marriage is sexually confining
8. Lack of attraction to family and child-raising

According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography indulgence is correlated with the following 6 trends, among others:

1. Increased marital distress and risk of separation and divorce
2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction
3. Infidelity
4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal, or unsafe practices
5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage, or child rearing
6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior

In 2002, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported the following as the most dominant factors present in divorce cases:

1. 63% of the divorces involved one party meeting a new lover over the internet
2. 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites”
3. 47% involved spending excessive time on the computer
4. 33% involved excessive time spent speaking in chat rooms

It’s a great enigma of our time that the destruction of pornography on individuals, marriages, and families can be so evident while the recovery from it remains so taboo.

If we continue to become mere fish floating in an adaptation of pornography, we will expect to experience a life of failed marriages, disconnection to our peers, dissatisfaction in life as a whole, shame, depression, isolation, etc. You minimize the power of unhealthy sexual bondage on your life by revealing the nature of your struggle to someone who can be trusted, seeking counsel, getting into a recovery group, and many other helpful steps.

It is a small price to pay in comparison to the price of losing your marriage, family, and sanity. Seek help.

Need help? Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433)

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You might think I’m joking when I say it begins on your wedding day, but it’s true. I guess people assume that because I’m a 23-year-old girl that I’m into having babies. No… not yet.

I was a nanny for a couple of years during and right after college, and that was all the birth control that I needed.
I got my fill of crying babies and adolescent attitude. No need to tell me “it’s easier when they’re your own” because I am opting out of motherhood for now.

One day I’d love to be a mom, but it’s definitely time for spectators to put on the brakes.

One morning I woke up with a rash all over my stomach and a nauseous feeling. After a couple of days of this, I decided I was going to freak out a little. I know better than to scare my husband with the prospect of pregnancy, so I did what any considerate wife would do- I called some friends over to talk about it.

I was the last person to know the early signs of pregnancy.

We went to breakfast and by the time the food arrived, I was famished. I got my pancakes and my peanut butter and braced for the first delicious bite. I was surprised when the ecstasy didn’t kick in. They tasted like metal. I immediately forced my friends, Jen and Dust, to try a bite.

“They taste normal to me,” Jen said.

“Yeah, something’s wrong with you,” Dust added.

I knew it. I was pregnant. The fear set in and I couldn’t eat another bite.

We packed into my little green Honda and headed to the pharmacy. I didn’t even want to visibly hold the package while I was waiting in line. I took the test as soon as we got home, the result of some very strategic fluid intake. Still not totally sure how women aim with such precision as to only saturate the stick, but it’s likely I missed some of the instructions.

The test was negative. Jen and Dust reacted positively with a hint of disappointment. I could see it in their eyes, they were hopeful for a bundle of joy. At the end of it all I informed my husband of the results, and he told me that even if it had been positive, he wouldn’t have run away in horror.

I could have saved myself some of the anxiety if I had done a little bit more research on the early signs of pregnancy, but that would have been a lot less exciting for all of us.

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