Two individuals melding every area of their lives together will disagree. It’s nothing to fret or avoid. The couples that don’t fight are lying or scared of each other. When I wrote my vows, I predicted that I would be stubborn, overreact, and let my anger get the best of me, but I’d work on it. I predicted marriage would be one of the hardest commitments I’d ever make but the most rewarding.
Arguments are just as much a part of marriage as dating, dreaming, and sex. The trick is they don’t have to get out of hand, which you learn the first year or two or ten.
Zach and I were friends who hardly disagreed, but when we dated it became a different story. I don’t think we were ever the couple that didn’t argue. I’ve witnessed plenty of couples that didn’t fight, and I can’t say I’ve seen any of them succeed. Sadly, honesty leads to disagreements, but that’s healthy.
One evening it was the perfect storm.
We had a friend in from out of town so spirits were high, and we decided to go sing karaoke at a bar down the road. In an attempt to let our out-of-towner casually get to know another friend of ours, we stayed as late as they wanted. If they hadn’t been that into each other, I figure we would have been out of there before midnight.
When 2:00am rolled around, I was tired of beer and being awake. Zach and I had a tiny disagreement before the end of the night, but it was too loud in there to have a discussion. There we were- frustrated, exhausted and a couple of tequila shots deep. You can already predict where this is going.
A wise woman would have said goodnight and discussed it the following day, but instead I decided to make a snide comment after the lights went out.
That started one of our lengthiest, most emotional arguments yet.
Our sleepless minds could hardly keep up with the accusations being made or the depth to which the argument was plummeting. All of a sudden every feeling was justified by weeks of disappoint and countless examples of neglect, hushing each other along the way so that we didn’t wake our guest. Resolve came around 5:30am, but not without tears and remorse. Zach had to wake up for work less than two hours later.
Even though I’m only months in, I have some argument advice for newlyweds that can be helpful for those in relationships and marriage vets alike.
Argument Advice for Newlyweds
Postpone the conversation if you or your partner are extremely angry, tired, or even a little drunk. These feelings cause fights to escalate quickly.
Don’t use the words always or never, like “you’re always doing this” or “you never understand.” Words like this are exaggerative and hurtful.
Never name call. Even if your partner is acting like a ____, your entire argument is jaded by the immaturity of name-calling.
Don’t get anyone else involved. Bringing your friend’s opinion of your spouse into an argument will only make things weird and destroy trust for both parties. Your arguments should remain between you and your partner.
Always put yourself in their shoes. Taking a minute to consider their position will gain their respect and make your journey to a resolution faster.
Avoid harsh language and tones. You should always take time to cool down before engaging your partner because you will ultimately regret treating them badly.
Keep your mind on the future. This fight won’t last forever, so get rid of any ideas to run away or stay angry. Be in the moment and work together to resolve the issue.